(Satire Warning. We all know those people. Don’t be like this. Or do. Whatever.)
Alright festival ragers, 20th Anniversary of the Electric Daisy Carnival Las Vegas was epic AF and EDC LV 2017 tickets are on sale which means, it’s time to start prepping for the big event! We all know the ways to do a festival with PLUR and all that noise. But if you don’t want to fade into the masses and make sure that everyone around you to knows that you’re having a good time raging face, then here are some ways to be an Alpha at EDC at the expense of of your friends. Bros, Broette’s, you trained your biceps and livers for this moment, so you need to grab the night by the balls and make it your (insert word here). Why? Because YOLO. That’s why.
- EDC, EDC, EDC!!! Chant that in the most loud obnoxious voice, make sure everyone knows you’re going to EDC: driving to Orlando, on the plane, on the toilet at a gas station, anywhere! And if you’re already in the venue, chant it while you’re in line to get in, for water, while you’re peeing and especially right when you’re about to climb up those stairs and into your car back to reality. You know, just in case people have to be reminded of where they are and why they are in Orlando, bro. Bonus Alpha points if you yell it out during Above & Beyond’s “Sun and Moon”.
- Wait till the last minute to use the bathroom when your friends are traveling in between sets. If they try to leave you then make them feel guilty and reach into your pocket to pull out an imaginary Friend Card and rip it. If they are PLUR, then they won’t mind missing their favorite DJ which they perfectly scheduled while you drop a deuce.
- Wait till the last minute to get ready. Everyone knows that an Alpha isn’t the first to walk out the door but are the ones that are waited on. Put on that extra layer of makeup, make sure your neon American tank fits perfectly on your traps, you gotta make sure you look extra fly.
- If you YOLO’d too hard then make someone take care of you. It’s not your fault that you partied irresponsibly. Just guilt someone to sit with you as you throw up or freak the f out. Just because you’re not having fun, then someone else shouldn’t be having fun either.
- Start grinding on your date or some random person at the trance stage. The best time to do this is during that euphoric trance breakdown. right. before. the. drop. Just franticly grind away. If somebody gets mad at you for bumping elbows, then it’s their fault for not being down to rage! And if you somehow start to feel feelings from trance music, make sure you start a moshpit and aggressively mosh the feelings away.
- Walk through the crowd with a full drink in front of you. If your vodka cranberry gets spilled on them then it’s their fault for not getting out of the way for your 15 dollar drink. Vegas baby!
- Push to the front of the stage while pretending to throw up. If the crowd is too smart and realizes that no person throwing up should go up front then just say your friend is over and point at a random person. Broettes, this should be easy for you. Trick some beta thinking you want to hang with them and ditch them when you see an opportunity to jump even closer.
- Ask to drink from someone’s water bottle and drink all of their water. You shouldn’t have to refill it either, it’s not your water bottle.
- When leaving the venue, run to your car and get the hell out of there. But everyone knows that no Alpha leaves the party early. So, if there is a fat line of motor vehicles trying to escape the modern zombie apocalypse then just drive to the front and squeeze your way in-line. They have to let you in or else they’re not PLUR, bro.
If you follow these easy steps then you’re gonna have a sick time at EDC. This has been how to be a d!*k . . . I mean, how to yolo EDC. Sure, you may lose a few friends and piss off some people, but *voice cracks* who needs friends, you’re an Alpha.
(Please DON’T do any of these, but let’s laugh when we do see it.)